Archive for July, 2012

Fun?!

Jul 31 2012
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Who took the word “fun” out of last weekend’s “fundraiser”?! Was it the Sheriff and his posse who threw me into jail no less than 3 times during the event, or those cowardly accusers who dared not show their faces? Is there really no such a thing as “bad popularity”? I’d like to hear Lindsay Lohan’s take on this. Maybe someone didn’t like my song choice of “Fat Bottomed Girls” for the Live Musical Chairs Contest? I guess the parents would have preferred a stripped down version of “Sesame Street”. Well, the bottom line is, The Fun Guy Fundraiser raised $12,000 for our friend Jeff Adkins, who suffered a spinal injury in a motorcycle accident back in January. Despite the advances of my 300lb cell mate, T-pod, the dozens of pull ups and failed jail break attempts, I still managed to have fun, as well as entertain, thanks to the 3 concerned citizens who took turns…….bailing me out.
Now if I could only figure out how to remove this horribly tacky ankle bracelet.

Life Imitates Radio?

Jul 24 2012
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Woke up this morning listening to KPRIfm as they were beginning an hour of programming entitled, “Songs That Get Stuck In Your Head”. Now all I can think about is how my “Tainted Love” decided to “Steal My Sunshine”. But after a little “Tubthumping”, which made me feel like an “All Star”, I strutted over to “Tom’s Diner” for some breakfast. Wouldn’t you know it, the waitress refused to serve me because “I’m Too Sexy” for my shirt! Oh well, I may get knocked down but I get up again. To the Catwalk!

Interactive Hold

Jul 17 2012
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I’d like to thank Corporate America for helping me hone the skills I need to survive in today’s very diverse and highly technological world. All I need to do is pick up the phone and within seconds, I’m practicing my Spanish, “Para Espanol, prima el numero dos”. Using the keypad to punch in my account number is not only great for finger dexterity, but also memorization, since I’ll be asked to provide it again, once I’m connected to a customer service representative. Sure beats the heck outta the old standard, “please hold”, as I just sit there on my lazy butt listening to the Muzak version of Blondie’s “Call Me”.

Thank you cold and calculated, computer generated drill sergeant!┬áBy assigning me all these tasks, time passes so much more quickly, I no longer have a need for that unpopular and annoying concept known as patience. This has now given me the strength and resolve to hang up on that living and breathing voice, you passed me off to, once they ask me if I’d be kind enough to participate in a “customer service survey”.
Or at least reply, “Please hold”.

July You Must Be HIGH!

Jul 10 2012
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Besides the obvious major holiday celebration of Independence Day and the fact that it’s “National Ice Cream Month” (YAY! Goes perfect with my “Ice Cream” song), it has some other days of observance I think you might find interesting. There’s “Tell The Truth Day” (Hum, shouldn’t that be every day?), “Don’t Step On A Bee Day” (Bee Stompers, you’ve been warned!), “International Nude Day” ( I hope that’s not the day my parents invited me over for dinner.), “Be A Dork Day” (I guess this is just another average day in the life of a Dork. Carry on.), “Act Like A Caveman Day” (I’m thinking I could possibly get arrested and be chastised by PETA, both on the same day, for this one). “Compliment Your Mirror Day” (You look marvelous, and coincidentally, a lot like me.) and “Barbie In A Blender Day” (WTF!).

It just so happens that July 11th, THIS Wed, is “Swimming Pool Day” (I kid you not!).
It can only be divine destiny that I have my next Handlery Pool Party on this very day.
CANNONBALL!!!!!